i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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