I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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