Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
