The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
