I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
