My hand turned me down
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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