The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
