you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize