Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize