the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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