i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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