OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
