The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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