i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
