Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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