Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
