I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
