I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
