I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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