Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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