Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize