I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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