So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
