I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
