I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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