sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
