My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
