i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
