I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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