What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
