I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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