he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
