my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i love accidental penises.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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