i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
