Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
