After last night, I could never be a politician.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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