Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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