Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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