theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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