I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
