your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
