i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
