Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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