why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
