I am midnight drunk by noon
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
did i just pee glitter
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
