i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
