I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
