How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
