I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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