2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize