I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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