I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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