You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
