in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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