I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
