Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
