Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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